Buying the Book

So, I went to Distribution to buy another copy of the guidebook. Hubby has decided to read the copy I got at group, and I figured I'd just let him have that one so he can write in it, etc. if he wants to.

It was interesting to watch the sweet sister who helped me check out. She said out loud what I was purchasing, except the guidebook. I suppose she did it for me, and sadly, I appreciated it because addiction is so misunderstood and misjudged.

But at the same time, I wanted to say, "Have you read this? It's a great workbook on the gospel. I think everyone should read it!"

There is this part of me that wishes all walls could be blown apart at church, where church could be more like group meetings are...where people really are accepting and loving and not judgmental because they are struggling, too. I suspect that, were we really honest with each other at church, we would find that we really are not so alone. The specifics of our trials may differ, but lots of people have lots of struggles with hard things that carry a stigma with them, I suspect.

I am having a hard time in a way, because I feel isolated in my silence and secrecy at church. It's hard to feel more safe and more real at group meetings. There is so much going on in my mind and heart that I want to be able to talk about it more explicitly than I do (for obvious reasons). I know the culture isn't ready for that kind of openness, but that doesn't stop me from wishing things were different, because I suspect there are many others suffering in silence, feeling like they are the only ones.

Sorting through it all

This is a place for me to sort through what I'm learning as I am coming to grips with my husband's addictive behaviors, my codependency issues with him and others, and my need to turn my heart over to the Savior. There is so much happening that it's hard to capture it all, but I hope to get some of it down here. The 12-step program through LDS Family Services talks about the power of writing, so that is some of why I'm doing this. I also believe that there is a benefit in sharing our stories and journeys because these kinds of problems are so prevalent. I have found great peace in going to group meetings to share my thoughts and hear others' thoughts.

I also hope that over time, I will be able to see progress. It's hard to realize that this will probably be a long process; I'm not very patient. But I know God is there helping me line upon line, and I am grateful that I feel the hope for healing in my life and heart.